tiny flowers

the weirdest thing to me right now is what I do and don't have emotions about.

as I walked into a meeting last week, I saw these tiny flowers blooming and felt very emotional about that - how I encountered them, what I was thinking about, how they seemed to correlate.

I have also been thinking about when to have a second child. I know I want shaw to have a sibling and that means I'll need to get pregnant again. I have no feelings about that. I don't feel awash with motherly anticipation or joy imagining what that new little baby will be like if I succeed in getting pregnant. it's just a long term life choice I'm certain I want to make.

wtf. how am I crying while cleaning my house because all the forward motion feels so epic and unpredictable, but my husband calls later to say "love you" and I respond "same" on speakerphone because I'm also playing scrabble?

right now my current project is to meditate/ruminate on the most concretely important pieces of my life and see how I actually feel about THOSE. it's easy to avoid them because they're too huge, too confusing, too risky and the answer to all the questions is "no one can tell you what to do with your life." it's too hot to touch; much too deep for my feet to reach the bottom. I click into auto-pilot and turn the most monumental parts of myself into routine. 

hey self: argue with your spouse if it's time to fight. call your mom. stop crying at flowers on the side of the road and instagramming it, it's a waste of time.