white people

MAKE ME MISERABLE.

White middle-agers sit at their assigned seats at weddings and watch brown people dance like fools. I always assume they think I'm stupid, but I'm pretty sure they're wondering how I have the quad strength. (it's yoga)

White women have wonderful skeletons made of thin, delicate bones that make it possible for them to be real, real skinny. Brown women cannot achieve this, no matter how many kales they drink.

White men have a lot of advantages in this world and use them to play video games.

White ladies use a lot of words like "spunky" or tell me "I'm a hoot" as a substitute for saying they're very glad I'm not their daughter because they would be so embarrassed all the time.

White people generally prefer bland food and zero caramelization on their onions, which is actually illegal in the Middle East (along with everything else white people do). 

White people have a moderate amount of soft, pale body hair and I'm really inconsolably jealous.

MAKE ME SO HAPPY.

White people are so encouraging and compliment you all the time. Persians just tell you you're getting fat and there's dirty dishes in the sink, if you haven't noticed. 

White people don't expect their kids (or their kids spouses) to do the dishes. They buy machines for that and actually use them, imagine that.

White people care about helping others, starting non-profits, volunteering and adopting stray animals. 

White people don't try to re-use plastic yogurt tubs as tupperware and rarely ferment indescribable mixtures in the back of their refrigerators. 

I don't know this for sure, but a white person definitely invented the Swiffer. And they use paper towels without feeling guilty. 

Stripes and plaid. White people, you are the purveyors of Breton Stripes and Buffalo Plaid to the world, and I salute you. We'll talk about my critiques on Seersucker later.